• Children need you to be their parent, not their friend. 
• Parents can be very close and friendly with their children, but it is always your right and responsibility to establish structure and set limits, even when these limits make you unpopular or "un-cool."  If children don't receive structure at home, they may one day get it from the police--or possibly never get it at all.
• Set boundaries - kids always resist limits and rules, but they need them and (even though they may not admit it) really want them.  Often, adolescents push limits as a way of learning where the limits are.  Limits provide a basic sense of security and predictability for both kids and parents.
• Rules and boundaries should be clear and consistent, and consequences should be predictable.
• Rules and boundaries are more effectively accepted and internalized when kids are provided with clear explanations and allowed to discuss the reasons for rules and limits (even if they don't initially agree with them).
• Rules and boundaries can be amended when appropriate or necessary.  Responsible behavior should lead to greater freedom and trust; irresponsible behavior should lead to restrictions on freedom and more careful monitoring.  Help your child understand how their behavior essentially dictates how much freedom and autonomy they earn. 
• Initially saying "no" and then eventually giving in typically teaches children that relentless nagging will wear you down.  When kids don't realize that "no means no," it's probably because it doesn't.    
• Know your child's friends - many of our grandparents told us that they could know a person by the company he/she keeps, and they're right.
• Get to know the parents of your child's friends - If your child is going to a party, make sure the party is supervised and that you've spoken directly to the parents who will be in charge.  Kids will sometimes say "if you call their parents you'll embarrass me and I won't go."  If that's the case, they're better off not going.  Besides, you'll be giving the other parents the message that it's OK for them to call you.
• Talk to your child.  Always.  Even when you think they're not listening, they probably are.  If you think that giving the same message over and over is not getting through, remember that the messages they receive now are likely to be repeated by them to their children--so do it for the sake of your grandchildren.
• One of the best times to talk to your child...while you're driving in your car (a guaranteed captive audience).
• If you want to know what's going on in adolescent culture today and your child does not want to talk...try talking to their friends.  You might find that other children are much more likely to talk to you about adolescent issues in general (but don't expect them to incriminate themselves).  By keeping the focus on general issues in adolescence, you will appear genuinely interested in their world--as opposed to investigating them or digging for private information about your child.
• Rewarding positive behavior is preferable to punishing negative behavior.
• Kids don't come with an "owner's manual," but see this link on developmental assets to learn how to cultivate specific characteristics that correlate with health, responsibility and success.  Click HERE
• If you discover alcohol, drugs or paraphernalia in your child's room and they say it belongs to a friend, they're most likely lying.
• Never, ever, think that your child is not at risk.  ALL kids are at risk.
• When you think your child has absolutely lost his/her mind, they're probably perfectly normal (see “Yes, Your Teen IS Crazy”).
• If you have any questions or concerns about your child, ASK.  Reach out to school counselors, other parents, etc.

Historically, adolescents were seen as miniature adults.  Then the role of hormones was seen as the major influence in adolescent moods and behaviors.  Now we know that the brain itself is responsible for a wide range of behaviors and experiences throughout adolescence. 

        Perhaps you’ve recognized some of these symptoms: difficulty planning, organizing and setting priorities; inability to foresee consequences; difficulty postponing gratification; poor impulse control; heightened emotional reactions and mood swings; exaggerated “black and white” thinking; difficulty interpreting or responding to social situations and challenges; high risk-taking behavior—and paradoxically—a fear of new situations and people; and difficulty gauging what others are thinking, feeling, or experiencing. 

        This may sound like a laundry list of typical adolescent behavior—and in many ways it is.  These behaviors and experiences are related to a still developing and critically important area of the brain called the frontal lobes—particularly the prefrontal cortex (PFC)—located in the front of the brain just behind the forehead.  The frontal lobes are considered the “chief executive” of the brain, responsible for reasoning, judgment, motivation, impulse control, application of effective social skills, and overall coordination of the various subsystems in the brain to solve problems, relate to others, and negotiate one’s way in the world. 

        At puberty, the brain undergoes a series of fairly profound growth spurts and transformations where the number of nerve cells and (more importantly) their connections alternately increase and decrease.  Periods of increased growth (called exuberance) are associated with times when adolescents are most capable of learning new information and skills.  This is also the time when the developing frontal lobes help to consolidate learning and experience in order to apply critical life skills and coping mechanisms.  Periods of decreased growth (called “pruning”) occur when the brain actually erases or modifies cells and connections that are not used.  Thus, neuroscientists are beginning to describe brain development based on the “use it or lose it” principle. 

        The recent developments in brain research have major implications for adolescent development.  If teenagers don’t learn and practice effective coping skills at this time, they may have difficulty ever getting them completely in the future.  And lack of exposure or practice is not the only threat: drug and alcohol use, media influences, and negative adult and peer role-modeling all have the potential to prevent or distort the development of executive functions and social skills.  Kids who use drugs, aggressive confrontation, passive avoidance, or any other ineffective coping skill run the risk of “locking in” (biologically!) that pattern of behavior, making it more difficult to either resist or unlearn these behavioral responses in the future.  

        The solution is to provide teenagers with the opportunity to learn and practice effective coping strategies, especially when dealing with the most common adolescent issues: inclusion vs. exclusion, boredom, social/emotional coping skills, assertiveness and confrontation skills, ability to gauge others’ responses, and realistic self-appraisals. 

One effective way to practice these coping skills is to provide opportunities for teenagers to “think through” problems, considering various alternatives and their likely outcomes.  Reasoning out different possibilities can “stretch” the brain (stimulating neural connections), leading to more efficient problem-solving skills. 

Adults (parents, teachers, counselors, etc.) often try to solve teenagers’ problems too quickly.  Sometimes, the best assistance for a teenager facing a problem is to ask them to identify the potential options and then assist them in considering the pros and cons of each of those options.  Not only does this lead to a resolution of the problem, it also gives the brain a workout that develops reasoning and decision-making skills for the future.  

Were there ever times when you couldn’t keep track of who your children’s friends are? Are you amazed at how quickly relationships form, end, and re-form? Are you concerned about the “Hollywood” pace and nature of your child’s social life? Do you think your child is too quick to magnify and distort anything they hear—either from you or their peers?

Adolescence is a time of heightened insecurities, instability, and inflated drama. Although these qualities can be frustrating for adults, they serve important long-term functions for teens.

Exaggerated reactions, heightened sensitivity to criticism, becoming obsessively involved in new causes one month and losing interest the next, huge (and frequent) swings between idolization and hatred, individuals moving in and out of peer groups, intense competition between friends, revenge fantasies, inflated reactions of hurt, mortification, anger—all examples of the ways kids exaggerate experiences. But these exaggerated experiences help children develop critical skills such as social/emotional coping, healthy boundaries, trust, assertiveness, loyalty, self-worth, and generalized codes of ethical and moral conduct.

Often, we cannot find the boundaries of appropriate behavior unless the line is crossed. We cannot learn the limit of a rule until it is broken. We cannot truly know and incorporate a code of moral conduct until it is violated. The resulting guilt, shame, remorse, regret, and awkwardness help reinforce the lessons learned.

Behaviors and experiences need to be practiced. Experiences are often exaggerated so that they can be understood and incorporated. Exaggerated actions and reactions make the underlying issues clearer, allowing children to explore and "agree" on what is (and is not) acceptable. Paradoxically, this helps teens develop boundaries and trust, clarify expectations and codes of behavior, and prepare them for adult relationships. Self-initiated conflict and drama also provide the opportunity for kids to learn emotional coping skills as well as mediation and resolution skills. Resolving problems is a highly rewarding and emotional experience. People of all ages (but especially adolescents) often start fights to gain the skills, reassurance and satisfaction of making up.

If you watch carefully, the daily “soap operas” at home and at school will reveal themselves as evidence of on-going development and maturation. Parents and teachers have the responsibility to address negative behaviors, but also have the opportunity to understand and discuss those behaviors within the larger context of “lessons learned.”

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you.

And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love, but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies, but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth...

COMMON CHARACTERISTICS OF ADOLESCENT DRUG AND ALCOHOL USE OR ABUSE:

• Drug or alcohol use (this is not a mistake; denial often obscures the obvious signs)
• Theft
• Disappearance of possessions, money, clothes
• Possession of drug-related paraphernalia
• Possession of weapons
• Drug- or alcohol-related posters, signs, tee-shirts, etc.
• Use of goldenseal or other OTC herbs

• Marked drop in grades
• Lack of concern about grades
• Little or no investment in homework, studying, etc.
• Poor concentration
• Poor memory
• Marked drop in classroom participation
• General loss of interest in school
• Excessive procrastination / avoidance
• Frequent lates or cuts
• Loss of interests in sports, activities, school events
• Improved behavior and appearance of focus

• Frequent lying, and excuses that are plausible but suspicious
• Excessive sleeping or drifting
• Defiance of rules
• Verbal or physical abuse
• Mood swings
• Excessive talking
• Non-communicative

• Change in friends
• Change in hangouts
• Unknown friends who avoid parents
• Always out of the house with no particular destination
• Secretive / suspicious phone conversations
• Hang-up phone calls
• Callers who refuse to identify themselves
• Significantly older or younger acquaintances
• Isolation
• Argues that drug use is alright
• Argues that teachers / parents don’t understand drug use
• Lives day-to-day with no long-term planning or commitments (apathetic)
• Extreme avoidance of family / extended family functions
• Use of street vocabulary
• Demands / steals money from siblings, parents, friends, classmates

• Lingering alcohol, marijuana, or strong chemical odor
• Slowed or labored breathing
• Impaired thinking; disorientation or confusion
• Excessive sleeping, inability to arouse
• Loss of muscular coordination
• Slurred, rapid or rambling speech 
• Unexplained happiness, giddiness, laughing
• Unexplained or uncharacteristic aggression
• Dilated, red, or unusual eye appearance
• Uncharacteristic hyperactivity
• Dizziness or vomiting
• Extreme anxiety, agitation, or tremors
• Paranoid or psychotic behaviors

This information is also available as a printable document:

Common Characteristics of Adolescent Drug and Alcohol Use or Abuse

A guide to vaping, and how to talk to your student about the problem of vaping. 

Vaping: What you need to know

A letter home from a college freshman, which no parent hopes to get! 

Dear Mom and Dad,

Since I left for college I have been remiss in writing and I am sorry...I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down, OK?

Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and concussion I got when I jumped out the window when the dormitory caught fire shortly after my arrival here is pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital, and I can see almost normally, and I only get those sick headaches once a day. Fortunately, my jump was witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm. He was the one who called the ambulance and the fire department. He also visited me in the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy, and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't got the exact date yet, but I promise it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is very kind, and although not well educated, is ambitious. Even though he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know that your often expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by that.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skill fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, and there is no boyfriend in my life.

However, I am getting a D in history and F in Science, and I want you to see those marks in their proper perspective.

Your loving daughter,